How does that make you feel?

Open Ended Questions.

I am so excited about this topic and the power we can unleash when we love one other by listening, caring and asking OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS.  If you hang out with me on a regular basis, you've probably heard me go on about this, it's my new kick.

It's not new to me and probably not to you either, but I needed a refresher.  I'm not an expert (far from it actually) and part of the reason I'm so psyched about it is because my tendency is to problem solve and bless others with my wise advice (that's sarcasm if you didn't recognize it).  I'm so pointed and leading in my questions so I can share my wisdom, I don't allow the time (it takes time) to not only ask the open ended question, but listen thoughtfully and ask a follow up question (why this is my new kick). 

So let's get into the topic...
  

An open-ended question is designed to encourage a full, meaningful answer using the subject's own knowledge and/or feelings. It is the opposite of a closed-ended question, which encourages a short or single-word answer. Open-ended questions also tend to be more objective and less leading than closed-ended questions.

Open-ended questions typically begin with words such as "How" and "What", or phrases such as "Tell me about...". Often they are not technically a question, but a statement which implicitly asks for a response.

·              Tell me about your relationship with your boss.

·              That's an interesting colored shirt you're wearing.

 

Perhaps the most famous (or infamous) open-ended question is "How does this make you feel?" or some variation thereof. This has become a cliché in both journalism and therapy. The reason it is so widely used is that it's so EFFECTIVE.

BUT anyone (including a small child) can tell if you really want or care about the answer to the question.  The formula is more complex than having a list of questions.  You have to want to know the answer and show that in your face, intonation, etc.  

Another type of question (not recommended unless you are a lawyer) is a "leading question".  Leading questions prompt the respondent to answer in a particular way.  Leading questions are generally undesirable as they result in false or slanted information. For example:

Do you get on well with your boss?		This question prompts the person to question their employment relationship. In a very subtle way it raises the prospect that maybe they don't get on with their boss.
Tell me about your relationship with your boss.		This question does not seek any judgment and there is less implication that there might be something wrong with the relationship.

The difference in the above example is minor but in some situations it can be more important. For example, in a court case:

How fast was the red car going when it smashed into the blue car?		This question implies that the red car was at fault, and the word "smashed" implies a high speed.
How fast was each car going when the accident happened?		This question does not assign any blame or pre-judgment.

So, why am I so excited about this not-new topic?  Because, if you can master this skill (easier said than done) and slow down enough, get off your agenda and on to someone else s it will make this world a better place.  This is UNIVERSALLY APPLICABLE in our relationships at home, at work, with friends, you name it.  By employing empathetic listening and asking open ended questions, you are showing you care (not just saying that you do).  

This is getting a little long but I have two more tangents for you before I let you go:  1) applications in sales and 2) additional reading.  

 We don't think of empathetic understanding listening in the business world, but from the sales perspective it is paramount.  Take a look at this list of questions:  

Information gathering

What prompted you/ your company to look into this?
What are your expectations/ requirements for this product/ service? – What are you hoping to see?
What process did you go through to determine your needs?
How do you see this happening?
What is it that you’d like to see accomplished?
With whom have you had success in the past?
With whom have you had difficulties in the past?
Can you help me understand that a little better?
What does that mean?
How does that process work now?
What challenges does that process create?
What challenges has that created in the past?
What are the best things about that process?
What other items should we discuss?

Qualifying

What do you see as the next action steps?
What is your timeline for implementing/ purchasing this type of service/ product?
What other data points should we know before moving forward?
What budget has been established for this?
What are your thoughts?
Who else is involved in this decision?
What could make this no longer a priority?
What’s changed since we last talked?
What concerns do you have?

Establishing rapport, trust & credibility

How did you get involved in…?
What kind of challenges are you facing?
What’s the most important priority to you with this? Why?
What other issues are important to you?
What would you like to see improved?
How do you measure that?

Interesting how important these questions can be in sales in the business world but also how key these questions are to all of our relationships (such as a parent asking a child what they think or feel about this or that).  

Lastly, I'm going to leave you with a very short article a friend of mine wrote.  Check it out if you have a few minutes (it's related).  Sorry, it's a .pdf and I don't know how to attach it.  If you want it, let me know and I'll e-mail it to ya. 

As always, thanks for reading and let me know what you think!!!

Transformed? How to

5/5/12

I’m stealing this message from Pastor Robert Gelinas of Colorado Community Church in Denver.  I was visiting my brother in Denver and we attended his church.  Robert Gelinas is a gifted speaker/teacher.  His delivery is planned, thoughtful and effective.  Check it out for yourself:

http://robertgelinas.org/ (the message was 4/29/12)

So my take away from his message (what I still remember today, one week later, without notes since he’s such an effective teacher):

We studied Luke 9:28-29 which says “…He took Peter, John and James and went up on the mountain to pray.  As He prayed, the appearance of His face was altered and His robe became white and glistening.”  I won’t be able to relay the whole message as well as it was conveyed to me, but here’s what stuck:

Jesus didn’t go up the mountain to be transformed.  He went up the mountain to PRAY.  It was as he was praying that he was transformed.  THM (Take Home Message) #1:  PRAY.  Do it, just go and pray.  Praying is simply talking with God (not at God, but with God). 

His face was altered and His robe became white and glistening.  THM #2:  When you pray, don’t pray that God would transform someone else (your spouse, boss, etc.) but simply pray and He will transform YOU. 

If 2 THMs is enough for you, stop reading, but if you want one more…  How and when should we pray?  Two answers: 

1) it’s only 2 chapters later (in Luke 11) that Jesus teaches His disciples to pray at their request (no wonder they asked after seeing Jesus transformed, they wanted it too!).  “Our Father in heaven, Hallowed be Your Name, Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.”  Try praying that and not being transformed! 

2) we should always be praying (talking with God) see 1 Thess 5:17 “pray without ceasing”

3) go to a quiet place alone to pray.  Jesus often did (See verses below) and instructs us to do the same (Matt 6:6 “when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray”)

Jesus specific:

Morning:  Mark 1:35 “rising very early in the morning, while it was still dark, he departed and went out to a desolate place and there he prayed”

Evening:  Matt 14:23 “he went up on the mountain by himself to pray.  When evening came he was there alone”

Other quiet time verses:

James 4:8 “draw near to God and He will draw near to you”

Psalm 1:2 “but his delight is in the law of the Lord and on his lay he meditates day and night”

Psalm 119:11 “I have stored up your word in my heart,  that I might not sin against you.”

Psalm 46:10 “Be still, and know that I am God”

The Examined Life

5/5/12

Well, I’m a little late, but better late than never.  So I promised myself I would blog once per month this year for two reasons: 1) to make sure I’m pausing, thinking, pondering, reflecting and being intentional in my life and 2) to keep searching and learning and sharing (just in case one might benefit from it).  So my one important message to you today is (if you haven’t already), STOP, PAUSE, REFLECT ON YOUR LIFE.  Where are you at?  Where are you going?  How are you going to get there?  Yesterday is gone and life is short.  Don’t let a day slip by without intentionally living the life you want to live. 

Reminds me of one of my favorite Switchfoot songs  “This is your life, are you who you want to be?”

Check it out on You Tube:  http://youtu.be/SWArhq3FUEY

Feel free to stop here.  My primary message has been delivered.  Read on if you’d like to hear one man examine his own life…

This is my snap shot examination of my life.  My life has been full of many journeys, ups, downs, etc. and I hope there are several chapters still to be written, but for this one moment in time…

I honestly think I’m in one of the happiest phases of my life.  Happily married to the love of my life.  Love my home, commute, job, friends, family, rhythm of life.  I want for nothing (as an aside, see the “funny story” below).  I’m in a pretty dang good spot.  Am I busy?  Yes.  Is everything so right I have nothing to ask God for? No, but the things I ask for are for God’s truth, reality and the gospel of Grace to fill people’s life so that their lives may be full of peace, joy, contentment, purpose, etc.  As long as we live in an imperfect world, I will always have requests for God’s help/intervention. 

So as I look at this snap shot of this very happy/content/peace-filled time of my life, I step back and say, “so now what?”  And for me, for now, I don’t have a huge master plan that I am building.  I’m not in school aiming for a degree.  My pace up the corporate ladder has greatly slowed which is fine.  I would like to have kids (which would greatly change the snap shot :)) and I would like to retire (also a very different phase) but for now, those things will come in their time.  So for now, day by day, what am I driving at?  What is my hustle applied to?  I think for now, for today, my charge to myself is “to do it more and do it better” and it for me is life. 

It = life.  Life for me is to love more, to be sensitive to the needs of others, listen, learn.  Life to me is to be my true self (to me and others) which is one especially loved by God (peace, joy, contentment, etc.).  I’d like to pray more.  I’d like to listen and learn more (from God, Bible, etc.). 

Self examination DONE.  Action plan (though somewhat vague) IN PLACE

And now for a “funny story”:  A few paragraphs above I said “I want for nothing” (which is true, I’m in a good place) but the funny part is my interpretation of Psalm 23 when I was a kid.  The verse says, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want” and as I kid, I thought this meant that even thought I didn’t want the Lord to be my shepherd, tough, He was gonna be my shepherd whether I wanted Him or not!  I thought the writer was be honest and saying, I don’t want the Lord to be my shepherd even though He’s God and if He wants to be my shepherd, there’s nothing I can do about it.  Yes, this is a little funny, but it also shows how easy it is to mis-interpret scripture and have it paint a very different picture of God, because frankly, my understanding as a child was far far from accurate.  Now, in my mature state, I understand this scripture to say, that “The Lord is my caretaker/shepherd and I will have everything that I need so I will not be in want” which applies if I live under the reality that God is God and I am a mere mortal.  He does indeed, take care of all my needs which is especially evident in today’s snap shot, but also true in the other, not so happy snap shots. 

Thanks for reading!!